


Even In Your Dreams, Don't Hesitate

by galaxyjun



Series: New Moon Verse [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, Trans Male Boo Seungkwan, Trans Male Character, YEAHHHH BOIIII, all of seventeen is mentioned and/or shows up briefly but these are the most important ones, minor smut, they're both 19 so they're def not undrage but they're still in high school!!, you don't need to read New Moon for this but if u wanna /finger guns/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-16 02:32:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11819379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxyjun/pseuds/galaxyjun
Summary: Fact: Keeping secrets from Hansol has never gone well.Fact: Seungkwan’s fucking terrified.———————————————————————————————Seungkwan looks at the past and worries. Hansol lives in the moment and wonders.Title from Seventeen's "Lean On Me"





	Even In Your Dreams, Don't Hesitate

**Author's Note:**

> here's that vernkwan sequel I promised!  
> here's a few warnings I didn't know how to tag:  
> \- internalized transphobia (really minor)  
> \- Seungkwan doesn't eat, but not with the intention to starve himself. his mental state just kinda Yiked itself and he can't bring himself to eat for a lil  
> \- Seungkwan has depression and it's touched on briefly but not to an extent that's potentially triggering
> 
> I felt bad bc Seungkwan didn't get to do much in New Moon so I wrote this because???? Boo Seungkwan deserves the whole world and the stars and the moon??? anyways enjoy!  
> Chat Names
> 
> Regret : Seungcheol  
> Snake: Jeonghan  
> Texas: Joshua  
> Flower Power: Jun  
> MemeFucker9000: Soonyoung  
> #1MCRFAN: Wonwoo  
> Pastel Satan: Jihoon  
> Tall Fucker: Mingyu  
> Pringle Slut: Seokmin  
> Twink: Minghao  
> Hansolo: Vernon  
> Extra: Seungkwan  
> Tiny Baby Man: Chan

Fact: Boo Seungkwan is boy.

Despite his birth certificate, he is firm on this. His mother agrees, he is a very handsome young man. His sister’s call him a shitty younger brother but fight anyone who questions his boy status. Myungho is like him, he’s a dude cause he says so and anyone who disagrees gets their shit kicked in, except Seungkwan doesn’t do any shit kicking, he just kind of shouts a lot. Seungkwan is a boy, despite the pads in his bag and the sports bras in his drawer. Because yeah those are associated with girls but who the hell says that a guy doesn’t need them too?

Seungkwan knows that he is one of the lucky few trans kids in Korea who has a good support system at home and at school. His mom brought their entire family to Seoul for Seungkwan’s third year of middle school for a fresh start, and the administration went out of their way to ensue that Seungkwan started and ended his school career in Seoul as a boy, and that no one could call that fact into question.

Fact: Boo Seungkwan is dating another boy.

To middle school Seungkwan, who had based sexuality off of books and movies and little things whispered in the hallways, Hansol Vernon Choi was not someone you could look at and figure out that he’s gay. (That’s a whole other story now). In contrast, Seungkwan thought that he was the personification of gay then. He was in the choir and he wore pants that were a little too short and a little too tight and he had (and still has) a tendency to stammer and stutter when a mildly attractive man looks in his general direction. No one at Seungkwan’s school cared though, because a good portion of them were gay and those that weren't respected people like a decent human being would. The few that were neither were too scared of the third year hall monitor with her choppy short haircut and martial art skills to say anything, knowing that her girlfriend’s first year brother would rat them out in a heartbeat.

Seungkwan was (and still is) pretty fucking gay, and he was convinced that Hansol Vernon Choi was going to be the death of him at the start of the school year.

Hansol sat diagonally behind Seungkwan and had a tendency to stare at Seungkwan throughout class. Though he lived with his head in the clouds, he was smart as shit, and didn't need to pay attention in class to be in the top five of their grade. Seungkwan needed to pay attention, he was an average student just trying his best, but Hansol’s stare made heat linger on his neck and burned his attention to ash, and more often than not Seungkwan’s notes were downright pathetic.

Eventually, he failed a science test, and Seungkwan’s teacher decided that tutoring was the best option. It would have be appreciated, if she hadn’t determined that Hansol would be the best tutor. 

Hansol was handsome in all the right ways, even at the awkward age of sixteen. He was a tad bit skinny back then, and was pretty baby faced, but his cheekbones were high and his hair was soft looking and he was the scruffy type of attractive that was oblivious enough to not understand why every girl in their grade and Seungkwan couldn’t quite look him in the eye.

Hansol was also weird. He wasn’t exactly popular in terms of friends, and mostly kept to himself with a notebook that was filled with scribbles. He kept getting in trouble for having his headphones on in class, spoke Korean with an American accent despite being from Hongdae, and sometimes started quietly snickering to himself and no one would know why. But his bright smile and twinkling eyes turned his quirks from uncomfortable a sort of charming oddness. He was the type of boy that most people admired from a distance, but thought little about actually approaching. 

Fifteen year old Hansol drove Seungkwan absolutely insane with his constant staring at stupidly good-looking face, and Seungkwan hated him.

Unfortunately, he was doomed to one hour a week of alone time with Hansol Vernon Choi, who insisted on having the sessions at his house.

Seungkwan showed up to the first session in a sports bra under a baggy shirt and track pants, on the second day of his period. He had a sore back and an achey stomach and was not ready to deal with Hansol’s bullshit.

Bullshit was absent from their studying session that day. Hansol taught Seungkwan simply and effectively, sometimes taking a few minutes to chase his younger sister out of the room, both of them arguing in rapid English. Hansol was nothing short of professional, but still giggled in the silence when was Seungkwan writing and sometimes pulled out that old weathered notebook and scribbled in it furiously before putting it away. Seungkwan made a random joke that his sister’s probably would’ve hit him for and that he was immediately embarrassed by, but Hansol snorted milk out his nose and laughed and laughed and laughed. That tutoring session ended well. The rest of them did too. Eventually Seungkwan stopped telling Hansol’s dad that he was over for tutoring and an evening where Seungkwan came home from school without Hansol by his side brought on more questions than nights when he did.

Fact: Only because of those tutoring sessions did Seungkwan really meet Hansol, and he’s glad he failed that science test. 

Seungkwan still hated Hansol then. Hated the way Hansol made his heart race and his breath disappear with a simple smile and a wink and hated the way that no matter how may times Seungkwan said it Hansol just couldn’t understand that Seungkwan _liked_ him.

He hated himself too. For falling for the one guy he had no chance with. For allowing Hansol to send him reeling with just a childish grin. There was a time when Seungkwan had thought that maybe if he hadn’t been a boy, and had fit the body he was given, then Hansol could be his. But then he realized that because he was a boy he got to move to Seoul, and then he hates himself for thinking something so stupid.

Middle school ended and Seungkwan and Hansol both got accepted into a high school specializing in the arts. Seungkwan, completely perplexed, asked Hansol why on _earth_ would someone as smart as him want to go to an arts school.

That break was when when Hansol showed Seungkwan what exactly was in his notebook.

Even today, Hansol holds his notebooks with the same care one would hold a child. He writes messily, no care for the lines or other older writing. There’s a system to it though, and Hansol knows exactly how it works. Years later, when they’re in their twenties and Hansol’s down on one knee before a sobbing Seungkwan, he’ll shyly admit that his first declaration of love was the day Seungkwan saw his notebook for the first time. He’ll say that his notebooks are his past present and future, the very documentation of his being, and that when he was just becoming the Hansol of today, Seungkwan came in and overtook his writing, weaving himself into Hansol’s existence, and the proof is in that same old notebook that fifteen year old Seungkwan had seen that day.

But that day Hansol had opened the book to a page much neater than most, not quite looking at Seungkwan. “Read it.” He said. Seungkwan had, and not quite understood. There was too much English mixed with Korean, and the prose was so flowery that any confession hidden in the words flew completely over Seungkwan’s head.

“What’s it supposed to be?” He asked after his third read.

“A rap.” Hansol replied, looking somewhat deflated. “I wanna make music.”

Seungkwan had said “Neat” and flopped on Hansol’s bed whining about how he was hungry, not realizing that Hansol had bared his soul and confessed his love and done literally everything Seungkwan had dreamed about since he had laid awake in bed and realized _god fucking dammit I’m crushing on Hansol Vernon Choi._

High school began, and Seungkwan befriended Jihoon and Seokmin from choir, alongside Mingyu (a boy in Seokmin’s year who was deemed The Mom Friend), Soonyoung (Jihoon’s boyfriend and Seokmin’s ‘Forever Bro’ and a fantastic dancer) and Wonwoo (two years senior to Seungkwan and named official Intellectual). Myungho back then was new to Korea and more than a little scared and he willingly followed Soonyoung to his group of friends, a decision he forever regrets. A few graduates were part of their friend group too - Jeonghan, an old choir member, and his boyfriend Seungcheol. Despite everyone’s protests, Chan - then still in middle school - started hanging out with them too after Jeonghan’s forced to pick between babysitting and movie night and ended up choosing neither. Seungkwan’s relieved that Hansol gets along well with all of them, because no matter how great a large group of friends is, Hansol was still his closest friend and first love.

“It’s not love, it’s just a crush.” Seungkwan groaned, hiding his red face in his palm. Seokmin had pat his shoulder sympathetically, the nonverbal equivalent of _“sure buddy.”_

Soonyoung looked at him and said “If it was just a crush then you wouldn’t look at Hansol like you’re coming home.”

Fact: That terrified Seungkwan.

It terrified him that Hansol, with his weird bandannas that broke the dress code and his new sharp jawline and sudden status as ‘taller than Boo Seungkwan’, was home. That Hansol’s house with it’s fireplace and his little sister and his mom who didn’t speak Korean but loved Seungkwan like another son was home. And that a life without Hansol was completely unimaginable to Seungkwan.

And Seungkwan had never considered what Hansol may do if he found out that Seungkwan liked him.

He was paranoid from then on. He caught himself staring too often and eventually stopped looking Hansol in the eyes completely. He forced himself to spend less time with him, waited longer before answering to Hansol’s texts. Seungkwan before had been quite content with seemingly unrequited feelings, but after being forced to consider that their existence was dangerous to Hansol’s presence in his life, Seungkwan was determined to abandon them at any cost.

Years later, when Seungkwan is a rational adult with a job teaching kids how to sing while his husband tours the world, he’ll beat himself up over the sheer _stupidity_ of his teenage self. Hansol won’t help either, simply tease Seungkwan for his pubescent irrationality until Seungkwan throws his book at him to try and get him to shut up. They’ll live in a nice apartment with their wedding photos framed on the wall next to Hansol’s albums with a small fluffy white dog that jumps on their bed to wake them up on weekends, and Seungkwan’s high school panic will seem so stupid and irrational because Hansol has always been home and home isn’t something that goes away that easily.

But then, years and years ago, during the break between his first and second year, after they all cried over Jihoon and Wonwoo and Soonyoung leaving, Hansol asks him if he did anything wrong.

He asked the question on the swings near their house, in the light of the setting sun, his voice small and quiet and horribly sad, and Seungkwan felt like he had shattered the moon. Because Hansol was crying, and Seungkwan was the reason, because he was selfish and awful and a coward.

“No.” Seungkwan had said, tears in his own eyes. He wanted to say more, but the words got stuck in his throat.

“Then why?” Hansol asked, angry and hurt and his voice quivering. “Why do you avoid me? Why do you not look at me anymore, what happened?”

Seungkwan will always remember the way Hansol’s voice cracked on the last word and caused his heart to shatter. The words built in his chest like a sob, and his hands had trembled in his lap, but he couldn’t bring himself to open his mouth.

Fact: Seungkwan regrets not speaking that day more than anything else in the world.

Hansol looked at his friend with his head hanging low, still unable to meet his eyes, and let out one heart-wrenching sob before running home. Hansol tells him later that he had cried in his room all evening and wrote embarrassingly sad lyrics for the week after.

Seungkwan had walked home, and didn’t speak to anyone for two days. He didn’t cry, he didn’t scream, he didn’t deserve to, not after shattering the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

Wonwoo showed up at his house on day three and punched him in the face. “You’re a fucking asshole.” He spat, and stormed off. Seungkwan was home alone, and he told his mom that he had smashed his face into their table when he fell, and he told her he iced it. Both lies, because Seungkwan didn’t deserve shit after what he did.

On day four Mingyu came over and apologized for Wonwoo, but his eyes were sad and he looked like he had been crying. “You really hurt him.” He had said softly, and somehow that hurt more than Wonwoo’s punch. Seungkwan threw up instead of crying, and then sat in the shower for an hour with the water as cold as he could get it.

Nothing happened on day five except his oldest sister yelling at him when she found out he didn’t take his meds for five days. “You’re not weak for needing antidepressants.” She had shouted. Seungkwan was well aware about that fact, his therapist had told him as much a year ago when she first diagnosed him. Seungkwan hadn’t taken his medication for five days because he had felt so tired he had just laid in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom and eat whenever the hunger got too unbearable. It’s dumb cycle that he’s been victim to a few times where Seungkwan can’t take his meds because he feels shitty but he feels shitty because he hasn’t taken his meds. She made him take a pill in front of her, but he threw it up later because he usually took them on a full stomach.

Day six was the day Seungkwan passed out and was sent to the hospital. His body couldn’t keep going on the little snacks he ate every so often, and decided to remind him of that then. His mother told the doctors that he must’ve just forgotten to eat, and they sent him home with a few notes and stern warnings. His mother didn’t ask any questions, laid him in bed and sung him a song and kissed his forehead and told him to talk to someone. Seungkwan allowed himself a few tears, and then fell asleep.

On day seven Seungkwan slept, ate, and then slept again. Seokmin showed up at some point and laid down next to Seungkwan and played his DS quietly, letting Seungkwan watch. They didn’t talk, and Seokmin hugged Seungkwan before he left with a sad smile. 

The next day marked the end of The Worst Week In Seungkwan’s Whole Life, and it began with Seungkwan waking up at noon to his mom telling him that Hansol came to visit. Seungkwan, believing he was dreaming, didn’t move, and laid in bed fully awake with his eyes shut pretending to be asleep. He was convinced he was dreaming until the door creaked open and a voice entered the room.

“Hey.” Hansol said, before whispering a soft “oh” upon seeing Seungkwan’s closed eyes. Seungkwan had begun to panic, not knowing what to do. He knew Hansol’s real voice, his dreams and imagination could never quite replicate Hansol’s not quite American accent and his slightly lower voice and his way of drawing out words.

Footsteps drew closer and closer before they stopped, and Seungkwan lay still, waiting for Hansol to make a move. His move was to press a finger into the bruise Wonwoo left. Seungkwan couldn’t help his pained hiss and the way his head jerked away from Hansol’s touch and so he gave up the sleeping act and opened his eyes blearily.

And in that moment he stopped breathing because seven days away from home makes coming back hurt all the more.

Hansol looked tired. His hair wasn't washed and his eyes were weary and he looked sad and hurting, and another wave of self loathing had washed over Seungkwan in that moment because he was the reason Hansol looked like that. But somehow, Hansol still managed to look beautiful.

They stared at each other for a few awkward moments. Hansol’s eyes kept trailing to the bruise on Seungkwan’s cheek, questions in his eyes, but in the end he said something completely different.

“Seokmin-hyung told the chat that you were in the hospital.” He said, his voice gentle like he was talking to a hurt animal. “He told us yesterday, before he visited you. He didn’t say why you had to go. Just said that you were there overnight then you were back home.”

Seungkwan didn't answer. Hansol rolled over the desk chair and sat down. 

“I…” He breathed, then stopped, like it was a mistake. “We were worried. Hyung didn’t know why, he said your mom wouldn’t tell.” Another beat of silence.

“Malnourishment.” Seungkwan said, and even he was shocked by how awful his voice sounded after a few days without use and all his sleeping. “I passed out.”

“You didn’t eat?” Hansol had sounded horrified.

“Didn’t have the energy to.” Seungkwan sat up, and Hansol’s hands had shot forward, faltered, then curled on his lap.

“Why?” Hansol whispered, looking so sad and so concerned. _Undeserving_ Seungkwan’s brain hissed.

“I have depression.” Seungkwan admitted, after a few seconds of silence. His hands trembled in the sheets. He didn't tell any of his friends. “I… I didn’t take my meds for a while, and I uh, had a bad episode, last week. Didn’t eat much because of it.” He swallowed around the last word, still avoiding eye contact.

“…is that why you avoided me?” Hansol asked. Seungkwan shook his head. “Then why?”

It’s a second chance, Seungkwan had realized. Some force that was much too kind and forgiving had given him an opportunity to make it better. To right a wrong and to do what he had been too scared to do before, as if the entire universe was working towards keeping Hansol and Seungkwan together. It’s a thought that is romantic and implausible and ridiculously self obsessed, but to a fifteen year old Seungkwan still bleeding from his own blunder, it was a comforting thought.

Fact: Seungkwan doesn't repeat a stupid mistake.

“Because I like you.” He had said, and Hansol’s entire body stiffened. Seungkwan sensed it, but kept talking, not looking at Hansol, because he knew he would lose the courage. “I like you, more than a friend, and if you figured it out I didn’t know if you would hate me. I couldn’t take that risk. So I tried to give up my feelings.” Seungkwan had bitterly laughed. “It didn’t work.”

Silence descended on the room, and wrapped around Seungkwan’s throat like a noose. “Listen,” he choked out. “If you’re going to reject me then please just leave because I don’t think I can handle you telling it to my face-“

Hansol had thrown his arms around him, buried his face in Seungkwan’s neck and called him a fucking idiot.

Seungkwan knew then that everything would be alright. 

Their second year began. Mingyu finally got together with Myungho and flaunted it whenever he could. Jeonghan and Seungcheol broke up and Seungcheol bought his tattoo parlour, moving into the space above with Jihoon. Josh started coming into the bar when Jeonghan was working and within a month Jeonghan had kissed him on a park bench at two am. Wonwoo and Soonyoung got together. Chan joined their school. 

Hansol kisses Seungkwan for the first in the fall of their second year of highschool under a flickering lamppost, ten minutes to midnight. “You looked like you were glowing and I wanted to check that you were real.” Hansol simply explained, and Seungkwan’s heart started beating faster than a freight train.

Fact: Seungkwan is Hansol’s boyfriend of a year.

Fact: Hansol doesn’t know that Seungkwan is trans.

Fact: Keeping secrets from Hansol has never gone well.

Fact: Seungkwan’s fucking terrified. 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

The break between Hansol’s second and third year of high school is the wildest one yet. 

Firstly, Sofia tells Hansol that she’s probably a lesbian, so that’s a fucking thing. Secondly, Moon Junhui joins their circle of friends, and Hansol’s never met someone so giggly and bright and touchy as him. It’s great, honestly, nothing beats Junhui’s special hugs where he drapes himself over Hansol’s shoulders and rocks them both back and forth. Alongside that, Soonyoung starts dating Junhui, which is fucking baller, he’s been blue balling for too long and he and Junhui are a love at first sight story, and Hansol’s always a slut for happy endings.

Another thing that happens is Seungkwan starts acting weird again.

It’s the same type of weird that he was when they hadn't gotten together yet. Then, Seungkwan had avoided Hansol like Hansol was a friend that he secretly hated, and was only pretending to like out of courtesy. Now Seungkwan’s acting like he’s being bribed by the mafia and if he talks then Hansol’s nudes are going to be leaked to Vladimir Putin or something.

Mingyu stares at him. “He looks like he’s got a secret.” Hansol elaborates. 

“Riiiiight.” Mingyu draws the word out. “And you’re telling me about this because?”

“I’m volunteering at the shelter cause I want a job here and you’re also here so you’re subjected to my bitching.” Hansol says, wrestling the poodle into the bathtub. It’s surprisingly strong for its size. “Seokmin-hyung is too, I guess.”

“Tis I.” Seokmin declares, entering the room with a very fluffy husky in his arms. “Did someone say Putin? My good old pal Vlad? Vladdy boy himself?”

“Hansol’s convinced that Seungkwan is hiding something. He’s probably imagining it.” Mingyu explains. Hansol glares at him

“Absolutely not.” Hansol says firmly, dodging the water flying off of the disgruntled poodle. “I know Seungkwan, and he’s been shifty.”

Mingyu pauses, and looks up from the neatly trimmed nails of the Pomeranian that feel asleep as soon as he started working on it. “Shifty?”

“Like he plans to commit murder and he’s slowly been planting evidence in my room whenever he comes over to hang!”

“Hansol-ah, what the fuck.”

———————————————————————————————

Hansol is firmly convinced that something is going on with Seungkwan.

Evidence? Make Out Time.

Hansol and Seungkwan have scheduled make out sessions during the school year, but over holidays Hansol likes having every time be Make Out Time. Seungkwan usually loves making out, lets Hansol pin him to whatever nearby surface like the bottom they both know he is and goes to fucking town. Hansol’s never really felt Seungkwan get hard when they make out, but that doesn’t really matter to him. Seungkwan’s kissing back and that’s what counts, and besides, Hansol gets hard enough for both of them.

But Seungkwan’s been more tentative recently. Shifting his body away from Hansol, gently pulling Hansol’s hands away from his hips, breaking away and ending their kisses earlier. 

“You alright?” Hansol asks one day, when Hansol’s pulled off of Seungkwan when he moved his hands to Seungkwan’s waist. Seungkwan shrugs, sitting at the edge of Hansol’s bed and not looking at him.

“Just… I’ve been working through some stuff.” He mumbles, swinging his legs. The green from his hair has just begun to wash out and it’s turning to a pale white colour. In the sunlight streaming through Hansol’s bedroom, it makes Seungkwan look like he’s glowing.

Hansol leans over and bumps his shoulder against Seungkwan’s. “Hey, look at me.” He prompts as gently as he can. Seungkwan raises his head slowly, his eyes worried and lips bitten from worry (and from Hansol).

Hansol’s written a million lyrics and verses about the curve of Seungkwan’s jaw and the tip of his nose and the way his entire face lights up when he smiles. Seungkwan’s always been the louder one of them both, always joking and laughing and draping himself over Hansol with loud shouts of “Vernonieeeee, you’re so _cute!”_ If their places were reversed, and if Hansol was the one looking absolutely terrified like a defendant on the stand, then Seungkwan would probably laugh at him, climb onto his lap, and tickle Hansol until he begs for mercy.

Hansol simply presses his lips to Seungkwan’s cheek briefly, linking their fingers together on the comforter. Seungkwan’s eyes close, and he tilts his head to rest on top of Hansol’s. Hansol leans his head against Seungkwan’s shoulder.

“I love you.” Hansol murmurs. His curtains rustle with the breeze that flows through the room. “And you can trust me.”

“I know.” Seungkwan whispers back. His voice shakes just slightly. “And I love you too.”

They sit like that for hours, Hansol rubbing patterns into Seungkwan’s hand with his thumb, until Sofia runs up to call them for dinner.

———————————————————————————————

Seungkwan’s behaviour changes after that.

He’s back to being one of the most extra human beings on the fucking planet, shouting loud and laughing louder. He’s brighter and happier than before, and even though this means that he smothers Hansol and insults him regularly, it’s normal, and that’s all Hansol asks for. He’s doubly as affectionate with Hansol now, and got so into Make Out Time that Hansol literally creamed his pants.

They weren’t grinding, but Hansol was straining against his zipper, something molten burning in his stomach. Seungkwan’s hand accidentally brushed against Hansol’s crotch and ripped a moan from the back of Hansol’s throat, startling both of them and causing them to jump apart. Seungkwan stared at Hansol, eyes wide, then burst out into laughter. 

“Didn’t realize that you had a problem.” Seungkwan teased through his giggles. Hansol, his face burning, had groaned and tried to curl up into a ball. Seungkwan grabbed his knee. “Who said we were done yet?” His voice was low and sexy and Hansol kind of wanted to die but Seungkwan kissed him roughly and Hansol lost himself in the hard press of Seungkwan’s lips against his. 

Seungkwan just sat in front of him, simply palming the front of Hansol’s pants gently, and Hansol just laid back and shuddered and moaned into Seungkwan’s mouth until the knot in his stomach snapped and his whole body shivered as something really fucking nice blossomed from his chest and spread to his toes. 

Seungkwan leaned back, smiled with satisfaction, and in a tone that revealed just how pleased in himself he was said “You might wanna clean that up.” 

Hansol looked down at the front of his pants, flushed brighter, and then bolted into the bathroom to change. Seungkwan’s laughed loudly and happily the whole time. So, yeah, he did a Typical Teenage Thing and it was humiliating, but Seungkwan seemed happy and he got a sweet orgasm out of it, so he’s pretty good with the outcome overall.

When he came out of the bathroom he nodded at Seungkwan’s crotch and asked “Want some help or nah?”

Seungkwan had hesitated, glanced to the side and shook his head. “I’m good.” He said. “Let’s cuddle now, c’mon.” Hansol looked at Seungkwan’s crotch closer and noted that Seungkwan wasn’t even remotely hard. A lightbulb went off in his head. Then his head got hit with a pillow.

“Yah, stop staring at my crotch!” Seungkwan complained, cheeks a pretty pink. Hansol cooed and started squishing Seungkwan’s cheeks. 

“Kwannie-ah!” He peppered Seungkwan’s face with kisses. Seungkwan shrieked and tried to pull away, but Hansol didn’t let him. They spent that afternoon rolling around in Seungkwan’s bed and wrestling with each other until they made out again.

But since that day, Hansol’s almost a hundred percent sure he knows what’s up with Seungkwan.

———————————————————————————————

Hansolo: hyung

Hansolo: hyuuuuuuung

Hansolo: hyung fuckin answer me

Twink: christ what do u want u annoying brat

Hansolo: :(

Twink: its date night!!! I am supposed to cuddle Mingyu bc he’s a little bitch who can’t handle horror!!!!!

Twink: stop ruining my fun

Hansolo: I need help

Twink: ugggggghhhhhhhhh what is it

Hansolo: Mingyu’s ace right??

Twink: I mean not entirely

Twink: he doesn’t feel sexual attraction to people he doesn’t know personally

Twink: he once described it as “im sexually attracted to serious and committed relationship”

Twink: his sex drive is lower in general but he likes sex and feels sexual attraction so he says he’s gray ace

Hansolo: fuck

Twink: listen buddy if u got an ace crisis then Mingyu might be better to ask

Hansolo: no its not that I am definitely not ace trust me

Hansolo: I thought Seungkwan might be

Twink: what

Hansolo: k this is gonna be super embarrassing so minimal teasing pls

Twink: …K????

Hansolo: so I get hard when we make out

Twink: please go talk to ur mom literally ANYONE ELSE but me

Hansolo: HYUNG

Twink: AH FINE

Hansolo: and like

Hansolo: I nutted once

Twink: I Want To Die

Hansolo: but Seungkwan’s never been affected?? Like ever?? Like I'm poppin woodies left right and centre but little Seungkwan’s nowhere to be found

Hansolo: but he likes to make out n shit so its not that he doesn’t like it so like ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Twink: oh

Twink: OH

Twink: fucking

Twink: ok Hansol-ah

Twink: Discuss This With Your Bf

Hansolo: fucking help me hyung

Twink: no u don't understand

Twink: I know exactly what this is about, but its not my place to tell

Twink: talk to him

Twink: ~~~~communicate~~~~

Hansolo: fuck u hyung

Hansolo: thanks tho

Twink: /finger guns/

Twink: Mingyu’s abt to start crying ttyl

Hansolo: what a baby

Twink: insult my boyfriend again and ill tear ur asshole out 

Hansolo: y i k e s

———————————————————————————————

Ok so.

Hansol is now officially lost.

He was almost certain that Seungkwan was ace, but Myungho blew that out of the water completely so Hansol’s back with his good old friend square one.

Hansol will talk to Seungkwan. He’s going to, as soon as he can! And, yeah, they see each other a _lot_ and they most of the time when they see each other and he could pop the question whenever, it’s just.

Hansol doesn’t want a repeat of last time.

He will forever be embarrassed about bursting into tears and running away from the swing set like it was some dumb fucking drama his mom adores. Hansol is supposed to be one of the official rational people in the chat, alongside Wonwoo, Seungcheol and Jisoo. But when under pressure, Hansol just jumps to the worst possible conclusion and lets his emotions completely take over. Because he couldn’t wait two fucking minutes to listen, Seungkwan slipped into a really bad place and ended up in the hospital. Hansol regrets that more than anything.

Plus, Seungkwan’s known to be the dramatic type, and his depression got worse around final exams, but he’s been doing really good lately! And Hansol doesn’t want to ruin any progress by popping a bad question!! You know, just being a good boyfriend!!!!

Myungho tells him to stop being a bitch and to ask already because Hansol’s got a knack for texting during the worst possible moments, like Myungho’s own Make Out Time.

Hansol knows he’s avoiding the issue. It’s just that literally every time seems like the worst possible time to ask, and how the hell would Hansol even phrase the question? “Hey babe, uh, noticed your peen isn’t saying hi when mine’s been down to party, so like, what’s up with that?”

Hansol’s sitting on Seungkwan’s bed, stressing about that one day, waiting for Seungkwan to come out of the shower so they can watch a movie or study English or do something other than make out because Seungkwan’s sister caught them the other day and hasn’t stopped doing weird eyebrow shit at them since.

The shower stops and Hansol perks up, sneaking to the door of Seungkwan’s room and peering down the hall at the bathroom hall. “I have to change first you know.” Seungkwan calls back. Hansol deflates, and as if he sensed it, Seungkwan laughs. Hansol flops down on Seungkwan’s bed and goes back to looking at the polaroids pinned to Seungkwan’s wall.

Seungkwan opens the door to his room, hair wet and a towel around his neck. He’s in a pair of red basketball shorts and a white shirt, what he usually wears at home, but there’s something about him that feels… different. He looks more relaxed for once, and there’s less tension in his shoulders, like he got a massage or something.

“Did work go well or something?” Hansol asks. Seungkwan snorts and gives him a look.

“Exact opposite. We had a sale today and I kept tidying up this one booth but each time I did a new wave of customers would come and mess it up again. Eventually I gave up but then my manage told me to fold the fucking leggings I folded six times in two hours.” Seungkwan grumbles, folding his uniform his shift the next day. “Fucking awful. Why’d you ask?” 

“I dunno.” Hansol says with a shrug, swinging his legs as he watches Seungkwan meticulously smooth the wrinkles out of his shirt. “You look more relaxed, I guess.”

Seungkwan’s hands falter for just a second, and then finish their course along the fold he just made. “Well,” Seungkwan says in a voice so casual it’s clear he’s anything but. “It’s probably because I’m not wearing my binder.”

Hansol blinks. “What?”

“I usually wear a binder so I can pass better.” Seungkwan’s voice shakes just as slightly as his hands do. “I need to give my ribs a break, so I took it off.”

Slowly, cogs turn in Hansol’s brain. The creak and groan from lack of use, but they all click into place and allow the lightbulb to go off. When it does, Hansol just about has a fucking aneurysm.

Seungkwan is trans. Seungkwan is a trans boy, and because he’s been passing for as long as Hansol knew him, Seungkwan never needed to come out and now he was too scared to. Myungho knows, because he’s trans too and pretty open about it and so Seungkwan probably felt comfortable telling him, and that’s why Myungho said it wasn’t his place to tell because Myungho’s a good friend who wouldn’t out anybody without their permission. Seungkwan’s excused absence from gym, his insistence on separate beds when they sleep over, his aversion to swimming, how he’d complain about aches and pains every month, it all makes so much more sense. Hansol opens his mouth, ready to comfort Seungkwan and thank him for trusting Hansol with the information, maybe to tell Seungkwan that Hansol will always love him, to let his boyfriend he’s beautiful and perfect.

Instead of any of that, Hansol blurts like a massive fucking _stupid_ asshole, “so that’s why I was the only one gettin’ sprung.”

Before Seungkwan can say anything, Hansol tries to rectify his mistake. “Shit, no, fuck, wait. That was literally the single worst thing I could’ve said, I’m so sorry, Jesus Christ. I was just surprised I guess, you pass really well and I had no idea- wait mother _fucker_ well I’m not saying it would’ve been different if you didn’t pass as well! If you didn’t I still would have accepted that you were a boy because you said so, and how you pass doesn’t matter. But like, I’m not making anything better, fuck okay-“ Hansol babbles, his mind doing the thing where it decides it’s sick of Hansol’s shit and blasts the hell out of there. Hansol groans loud and smears his hands across his burning face. This is _awful._

Seungkwan’s shoulders are shaking, his back still facing Hansol. Hansol has this awful moment of complete panic where he just thinks _I have completely fucked this up forever and now Seungkwan is crying and Jeonghan-hyung is gonna k i l l m e._ Before he opens his big dumb stupid mouth in a poor attempt to fix the situation, Seungkwan throws his head back and _howls_ with laughter.

“What the hell was that?!” He cries, turning around to look at Hansol incredulously. “What fucking even-

_”Listen,”_ Hansol tries to explain, but Seungkwan’s laughing too hard to listen. There’s tears collecting in the corners of his eyes, and somehow Hansol finds himself laughing too.

“Christ.” Seungkwan gasps, trying to collect himself.

“Can we try that again?” Hansol sheepishly asks, which sends Seungkwan into another fit of laughter.

“Hey Hansol.” Seungkwan eventually says, straddling Hansol’s lap. “I’ve got titties.”

“Jee whiz Seungkwan!” Hansol declares in a completely forced tone of surprise. Seungkwan starts giggling above him. “I love titties.”

“Oh wowzers!” Seungkwan exclaims, then kisses Hansol through their giggles. He pulls back with a wide grin. “The End!” He shouts, throwing his hands up in the air. Hansol laughs, then quiets a little.

“But seriously dude, I love you a lot, and nothing can change that. Thank you for trusting me with this.” Hansol says as genuinely as he can. Seungkwan snorts and flicks him in the head.

“Hansol, babe, don’t call me dude when you’re professing your love.” Hansol groans and then rests his forehead against Seungkwan’s shoulder.

“I fucking thought you were ace.”

“I know, Myungho-hyung told me.”

“What!?” Hansol blurts in surprise, jerking back to look at him. Seungkwan giggles.

“He said that you were causing him enough grief and that I had nothing to worry about, plus you were bitching too much and that he needed a break.”

Hansol gently pulls Seungkwan down so that they’re laying side by side, facing each other. “I’m gonna buy hyung so much Chinese food.”

“You’re broke babe.”

“No, you don't understand, I made him listen to me talk about my erections.”

Seungkwan blinks and stares at Hansol in amazement. “No fucking way.” Hansol nods solemnly. “Babe _please.”_

“I talked about how I creamed my pants but because I couldn’t feel your bulge when we made out so I thought you were ace.” Seungkwan snickers.

“Trust me, I enjoyed it.” Seungkwan assures him, reaching a hand up to pet Hansol’s hair. “I would’ve appreciated a hand then, but I didn’t really wanna spring the whole trans thing on you just after you came.”

Hansol grins. “Want me to pay you back now?” Seungkwan grabs Hansol by the back of the neck and pulls him into a kiss instead of answering.

Hansol thought getting an orgasm from his boyfriend was pretty fucking awesome. But that doesn’t hold a candle to Seungkwan’s shaky little moan as he presses Hansol’s hand to the front of his basketball shorts. It’s got nothing on the way Seungkwan’s eyelids flutter shut and he tries to hide his red face in Hansol’s shoulder to smother his whines. And it completely pales in comparison to the way Seungkwan’s head falls back and his back arches and his short gasps punctuate each stutter of his hips as he cums.

Seungkwan collapses against Hansol, pressing his ass right against Hansol’s hard on, and Hansol screws his eyes shut and grits his teeth in an attempt to control his hips so that he doesn’t jostle the boy on top of him. “You might wanna head to the bathroom to take care of that.” Seungkwan admits. “I can’t feel my legs.” Hansol manoeuvres Seungkwan off of him and then fucking bolts.

When Hansol comes back, Seungkwan’s in a different pair of shorts and he’s half asleep on top of the comforter. Hansol lies down next to him, lets himself be spooned, and falls asleep within minutes, Seungkwan’s breath brushing against his ear.

———————————————————————————————

**Chat: Heterophobes Anonymous**

Extra: babe pls help I'm dying n I need pads

Hansolo: u live with three cis women how are you ever out

Extra: they all use tampons and I Am Not About That Life

Hansolo: give me like twenty minutes i’ll be right there

Pringle Slut: uhhh this isn’t a pm

Extra: fucc

Extra: hey y’all yknow who’s trans????? This bitch

Twink: wow way to be fucking original asshole

Extra: stfu hyung u knew

Twink: lmao yeah congrats on the coming out kiddo how do u feel

Extra: in pain

Extra: I never asked for my uterus

Twink: bitch me too the fuck

Regret: Seungkwan, we all love you, and even though you really didn’t mean to come out now, thank you for trusting us with this

Tiny Baby Man: hyung!!! I love you!!!

Pringle Slut: you can trust us w/ anything!! Remember that!!!

Extra: thanks

Extra: it means a lot

Extra: @TheRealHansolVernonChoi, take notes

Hansolo: I GOT THERE EVENTUALLY

Snake: hansol-ah, what did u say when Seungkwan came out to you?

Snake: I hope u weren’t an asshole :)

Extra: “so thats y u weren’t getting hard when we made out”

Pringle Slut: KUFUYFLZREYIGEYSG

Tiny Baby Man: how do u fuck up that badly????

Hansolo: IT WASN’T LIKE HE SAID STRAIGHT UP “hey I’m trans” HE WAS ALL CRYPTIC LIKE “yeah…. I'm more relaxed today cause I'm not wearing my binder……… u know………..” I PANICKED OKAY

Extra: : ^ )

Hansolo: ummmmm excuse me???? i am in the checkout with pads, miss vickey’s and kit Kat ice cream r u sure u wanna give me that attitude??????

Extra: wait no babe ily <3333 

Hansolo: thats what I thought 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Fact: Boo Seungkwan is a boy.

Fact: Boo Seungkwan is in love with another boy (one Hansol Vernon Choi)

Fact: Like all love stories, they live happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> note: I am a cis lesbian, so if I did anything weird or offensive with Seungkwan, then let me know so I can rewrite it or take it down if needed. I tried my best to stay away from anything too deeply rooted in trans culture or to write about something I just wouldn't be able to understand as a cis girl, but still let me know!
> 
> I really wanted to experiment with writing styles so I purposefully made Hansol's that much more lax and weird in narration because he just feels like someone who thinks about things in a strange straight forward but twisted way. idk I liked it. and Boo!!! my son!!!!! he's absolutely someone who overthinks everything, so I wanted to write that in!
> 
> next time will probably be the Jungkook special I promised. Until then!
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/kyunset)


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